By Sayema Zulfeqar
It wasn’t that I hadn’t repented and turned back. It wasn’t that I hadn’t given up the road to destruction in the hereafter and chosen the road which would lead me to pleasures in the hereafter. It was just this crushing feeling inside of me that Allah wouldn’t forgive me for my hideous sins. Even after repenting, I had thoughts of despair floating through my mind, ‘Why would Allah forgive me? Haven’t I committed such a huge sin? Will Allah ever forgive me for what I’ve done?’
Days and days passed, and my prayers from Fajr to Isha felt lifeless. The thoughts of Allah never forgiving me disrupted my mind each time I prayed, each time I made du’aa, each time I read the Qur’an, and each time I sat reflecting. My friends and family won’t be of much help, I thought to myself. How could I really take this question to them?
I was desperately searching for an answer; an answer that would satisfy my thirst for hope, an answer that would give me hope for Allah’s forgiveness and an answer that would change my life forever!
One day as I was randomly flipping through the pages of the Mus’haf, an Arabic word – ‘Istaghfiru’, caught my attention. I knew what it meant, I knew that this was what I had been searching for, I knew that this was the answer to my questions and I knew that this was the answer from my Lord. I quickly jotted down the verse number and headed to my bookshelf for the Noble Quran in English. As I kept flipping the pages of the Quran, my heart was filled with both hope and fear. Hope that Allah’s answer would guarantee me forgiveness and fear that His answer would not.
“Surah Zumar, Verse no. 53…. Ahaan! Got it!” I said to myself. And guess what, I got the answer I was searching for in these very magnificent words of Allah stored in His last and precious book; the Quran:
“Say: O My servants who have transgressed against themselves! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [39:53]
From that day on, as I recall that strange day, I’ve learnt that it’s not our friends or family that can give us answers to everything all the time, sometimes we just have to search for it. At times, when you feel that nobody, not your friends and family, nor your teachers , Shuyookh, or counselors not even Google can answer you; turn to Allah for the answer, for verily, He is the best of those who answer and the Best of those who respond. And remember that your life-long unanswered questions are waiting to be answered in the Holy Quran…
(Inspired by a true story)